If I kill myself, can I still get into heaven?
This stress is beating down on me like rain. Its always in the back of my mind, knocking at my unconcious.
Why don’t I have the strength to just pick up the phone and totally spill out my guts, tell him how I really feel? Why? Because I’m a coward. My only fear is that I’m going to run into him again 10 years from now and have a fake conversation about the weather and the kids that he has and I don’t, and in the back of my mind I’m going to be jealous of his wife- and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
And he’s going to smile, and ask if I remember how ridiculous he acted during class, and I’m going to melt all over the sidewalk because, yeah, I do remember. I remember his shaggy hair and the way he’d just sit there like he has any reason to judge anyone because he does have the reason to judge someone because, Jesus Christ, he’s him. And he dated that girl I don’t like and it didn’t work out and inside I was trying to find that confidence I had 30 seconds ago and walk right up to him and ask him out or at least tell him how I really like him but, no. Because that’s for my diary’s ears not his.
And he’s going to glance around nervously like he does whenever he’s about to break off a conversation and I’m going to have the nerdy urge to reach out to his forearm and beg him never to go, and he’s still gonna go. Because that’s who I really am. And he’ll never see that. He’ll never see the girl that likes to jump on her friend’s shoulders at school dances and yell requests to the DJ at the top of my lungs. He’ll never see the girl that likes to daydream about kissing him in the rain outside my house or the girl that likes to ride rollercoasters at Six Flags. But he’ll never see that side of me.
Because when I get around him, I freeze. I don’t know what to do or say. He thinks I’m just another wannabe rocker. But I’m so much more than that! I hate he’ll never see it.
And then he’ll say he has a meeting to get to and I’m going to say that it was nice seeing him again even though it was so much more than nice and he’ll say bye and part of me will want to stop him and get his phone number but I don’t have the confidence to and he’ll walk away. He’ll walk away like he did a million times before. And I’ll cry into my pillow that night.
And there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.